Harry Potter and the confused author
by Randomised
Summary: Harry feels his love doesn't feel the same so he has an image change. Ditto for Hermionie. Ron gets hungry. A one off, and a little random.


**Harry Potter & the Anoying Phase**

This is a tale of secret and stupidity, of nausia and nusance, and most of all, beloved porn. Feel free to hate, I don't mind, I'll just sulk for a bit, but you'll learn to love me.

Harry Potter was going through a rough patch in his life. Not only was he continually having to stop Lord Voldermort returning to wreak havock on the world SINGLE handedly, he was tired of seeing the ones he loves dying (except the one true love in his life). He decided to try a new life. He had lost his glasses, and taken to wearing contacts, leaving his eyes a very sexy colour of bloodshot red, and took to muscle building, and after 7 months of secret training grown to have the amazing physique of a seven year old. But he felt this still wasn't enough. He took a trip to Hogsmeade to fine something new and enlightening. He snuck out alone to be sure to surprise his love, and become a master of seduction, and take what he had wanted all along.

_**Hermione was also having trouble with life, she felt she had spent too much of her life pining over lost love, and smothering herself with work to hide this. She felt she should never act on her emotions, and risk ruining the friendship with her best friend. She was considering going for a new image, and leave behind the bookworm. Become a sexy woman, and just take what she wanted. Then she could have him. She would be irresistable. But first she had to fix this strange hair and buck toothed problem she often overheard people remark on. She sneaked out also on a secret trip to Hogsmeade.**_

**Ron was always having difficalty with life. He usually would just eat in the kitchen and talk to the house elf, Dobby, who he secretly loved. But today he felt like a change of scenery. He took a trip to Hogsmeade.**

Young Harry was bopping along listening to S Club 8 happily when he ran into a store (literally). This was no normal store in Hogsmeade. It was completly non-magical, but had a hypnotic feel to it. He couldn't take his eyes away. But eventually someone came out and helped unstick his face from the window.

"You wan't a piercing kid?" grunted the stranger.

"Oink, I mean yes." Harry was quick to correct himself, it wasn't his fault he was born piggish. But his wasn't as bad a Dudley. That kid was more pig than boy.

When entering, Harry soon discovered that this mysterious and sticky shop, was a way for him to change his style, without the trouble of making it perfect every morning, much like his hair, or so he thinks.

"I'll have all the piercings I can fit!"

_**Youthful Hermione heart skipped as her body walked, she had been thinking about him all day, and she was seeing him everywhere. Even outside a piercing's shop, which she knew couldn't be him. So she trotted by without a second glance, and went into the pinkest store she found, she knew her love loved pink, she had seen his bed when he was sleeping. Yes, her love for him was unatuarally creepy.**_

**Ron got thirsty, and went for a drink.**

"Well, kid, I done all I could. I just hope it stops bleeding soon. But if it doesn't come back for a blood transplant in a week."

"Thanks mate, I'm off for a drink, and mingle. I'm sure I can still drink after this incredible blood loss. Plus it'll ease the pain. Let's see if I can make her jealous!"

"Who?"  
"No-one!" Harry ran out the shop and into a wall. Damn! I hope someone unsticks me soon!

_**Hermionie stumbled out of the Hello Kitty factory in her 15 inch heels, and floresant pink mini skirt, all with the familiar face of a cat without a mouth on it. She felt radient. Like a sex machine on magic mushrooms. Hmmm, I wonder if there's a spell to enchant mushrooms?**_

_**"Now! To the pub!"**_

_**Ron had been in the pub a while, and was starting to get a bit drunk. He was soon hitting on Hagrid, who seemed quite pleased about it.**_

Harry felt an alarming sensation run through his body as he entered Hosmeade. Something strange was pulling him towards the bar. Oh. A giant magnet.

"Fire Wiskey," he grunted. "And can I borrow your mirror, I seem to have some wall stuck to my face." Harry couldn't help noticing all the odd looks he was getting. I suppose you would if half your body weight was made up with piercings. Especially if they're all on your face.

"Hey buddy, watch where your dripping." Harry turned to the person next to him and a smile lit up on him face. It was his love. "And what you looking at? See something you like? Sod off, you metal freckled freak." His face swiftly ran out of power. He must be so unrecognisable with his new image him love can't tell who he is.

_**"Sod off, you metal freckled freak." What a weird coincidence, Hermionie thought. That person by the bar just said what I was thinking. Wait, that's no freak. That's my love. Sure, he's a bit redder than normal, but it's hot in here.**_

_**"Ron, are you drunk?" said the freak. My god. Ron is.**_

_**"Who are you to question my drunkability?"**_

_**"Ron, I love you." Hermionie's heart shattered. Oh, wait, that was her glass she just dropped.**_

_**Ron lay there dribbling in his own vomit. He felt someone picking him up and tried to shake them off, but ended up pissing himself.**_

_**"Right, 'arry. I got 'im. I'll look afta 'im in me shack."**_

_**"Thanks Hagrid." Harry turned to Hermionie, who had been standing like a statue for the past half-hour. "Are you OK?"**_

_**"No, Harry, there's something I need to tell you... I was in love with you, but I now realise that I was in love with your fame. I think I'll go marry a dancer now. Bye." Harry's heart broke.**_


End file.
